😔

It may seem like I’m mad, but really I’m just sad. Right now I’m in the bathroom and I’m wiping the tears from my eyes. I’m don’t cry often, but I can’t sleep. I know you think about me and that the things you do are for me. But do you ever think about what I want? Not what you think I want? 

You know the reason I tell you it’s up to you? Because I want you to have want you want. You make it seem like when I want something, it’s a big hassle. I really hope I don’t make you feel that way when you want something. Cause it’s a pretty shitty way to feel. I just read your blog. Do you ever ask yourself why I’m mad or annoyed? Am I a horrible person and I make you feel that way? Do you have any responsibilities for how I feel and how you feel?

I don’t think I ask for much from you, but it always seems like the stuff I do ask is too much. I ask you to do what you say you’re going to do and your response is to do less. I mean really? How about just doing what you say you’re gonna do? I ask you to be more careful and then your feelings get hurt when I react to you potentially getting hurt. Those are both things I’m asking you to do that are actually good things for you. But it’s like you don’t even want to try. 

For the last 3 days, we’ve done everything you wanted right? Yes, you think that I’d enjoy it too, but did ever consider me? I don’t like that it comes back to blowing, but did you ever wonder why I said no to it? Isn’t that odd? Or are you just glad you don’t have to do it? I didn’t mind sacrificing this morning because I know we have things to do, but when we get home you’d think you could return the courtesy, but your blog makes it seem like I’m demanding too much. And the reason I declined the option after ice cream was because I asked you to proposition it differently in the past. It was a simple request I thought, but maybe I’m wrong. And maybe you’d know that if you cared enough to ask. I always ask you if something is wrong and maybe sometimes I get annoyed when I hear, but at least I ask so I can know and possibly do something about it.

And again, what’s the purpose of telling me that you can’t be like other women and that other women are perfect for me? Does that make you feel better? It doesn’t make me feel any better. Maybe I just need to accept this is my life now. If you want a child, let me just give you that so I can be done with my usefulness to you. Then maybe we can find some closure at that point. 

I guess I really need to figure out what advice I’d give myself in this situation. I feel pretty hopeless. You talk about how if I was a saint, I’d be good because I give everyone what they want. Haven’t I given you every thing you want? Does that count for anything? I’m not perfect. I never said I was perfect and I never will. So I don’t want or need to hear that from you. I’ll keep asking God for help to find a through this. But maybe God has done all she can and I keep ignoring her guidance. I wish she’d be a little more obvious. I don’t have a desire to prove her wrong or anything. I just need to know what I’m supposed to do.

At the end of the day, I do love you and I’m in love with you. I’m gonna do all that I can to continue to make you happy, which makes me happy. I just hope that someday I’ll be able to find some happiness beyond that as I worry that it may not be enough. Maybe that’s what I should be praying to God for. Showing me that this is enough. ATEN!